Over the next years or two I would make occasional visits to see Marie in Kenilworth.  It would mostly be for only an hour or two and was just lovely to see her happy and enjoying life with you Josh and Paul.

You hade a stable and comfortable family life and as far as both Marie and I were concerned we were moving along that track which introduced me gradually into your life.

Marie had never tried to hide from you the fact that you were my daughter and I know that you had (and maybe still have) a photograph of me which was taken in Venice whilst I was on holiday there.  It was taken on the same day as the one here.

I think that one of the first times I met you since you were a toddler was when I went with Marie to collect you from school in Kenilworth.  I didn't actually go to the school with Marie, but waited outside your house for her to arrive back with you.  When you arrived back you jumped out of the car and came around to meet me as if you'd known me forever.  You had a little plastic case for your school things and a lovely big smile on your face.

I was so struck by you.  Your hair was long and frizzy and you were so confident as you approached me.  I asked you if you'd been to work and you said 'Work,  I've not even been to university yet" !! Quite a telling response for someone who could only have been about 8 at the time.

That was the first time I'd seen you in quite a while.  I'd seen photographs of you many times, as they were all over the house, but it was such a natural and easy time with you.  I felt just like I did when I was with my God daughter.  Just really easy and not at all difficult or uncomfortable.

I remember another occasion very clearly when I was at your house in Kenilworth and you were in bed, but obviously you'd heard voices downstairs.  I don't know who you thought was downstairs, but your curiosity brought you downstairs to see who your mum was speaking with. I got the impression that you knew it was me who was downstairs, but I suspect that might be me thinking more romantically than realistically.

I was never quite sure exactly what you knew of me at that time.  I know that you knew of me because you would often answer the phone when I rang and you knew of this person called Graham.  So when we met you seemed to understand who I was without anyone saying anything else and we spent about an hour playing and chatting until you were too tired and went back to bed.

I met you on a number of other occasions over the next year or so, but not that many as I remember.

Up to this point I had kept from everyone the fact that I had a daughter.  I wasn't ashamed of the fact, but it was such a messy explanation as to how it all came about that I felt it better, at least as far as the outside world was concerned, not to mention it to anybody.  However I was starting to talk to you a little more on the phone, when I called to speak with Marie and I could see that within a period of time I might have more of a relationship with you.  So I started to tell a very few close friends, starting with my mum and then my Godchildren's parents and eventually most of my friends in London.

When I told my mum, I took her to Greenwich park in London and we walked through the park on a late Autumn afternoon.  Marie had just given me some photographs of you, so I wanted her to see what you looked like when I'd told her the news.  To be honest, mum was delighted.

She knew of the relationship which Marie and I had and also knew of you, although like everybody else she had no idea you were mine.  Mum's are very perceptive people, I'm sure you've discovered, and my mum is no exception.  She knew at the time when I was seeing and talking to Marie much more, perhaps when you were 18 months to 2 years old,  that I cared for you both very much.  She actually said to me on one occasion that she could tell I wished that you were the daughter of Marie and me.  She was right, I wished you were at the time.

When I explained how Marie and I had discussed the best way for me to play a part in your life she thought that, given the circumstances, it was probably the best course of action.  She, like me, had confidence that we would manage the process in a mature way such that you would come out of this without any issues. 

Mum has, to this point, only seen photographs of you but she is aware that I have created this web site and asked me to let you know through it, that she loves you very much.  

I'm quite particular as to who I tell because I see it as a very personal piece of information.  So to most of the people who see your photo in my home you're the daughter of a very good friend of mine (which of course is a true statement) but to those who really know, you're my very precious and lovely daughter.

Eventually I also met Paul.  Despite all the time we'd known of each other and the numerous trauma's we'd shared with Marie, we'd never actually met.  I think it was a little uncomfortable for Paul because he'd known that Marie and I had obviously been very close at one time, and I suspect that the continued contact and occasional meetings that Marie and I had, would naturally create a little uncertainty and discomfort about an ex lover maintaining a relationship with his wife.

I understand completely how this might be, and wonder if this played a role in the decision to ultimately break contact with me completely when you moved to America.  I can understand if this was the case.

During 1999 I felt that I was making progress with Paul.  I wanted to let him know that whatever there had been between Marie and I in the past, things had changed for good when she married him and especially now that not only Josh was around but Matthew as well.

I asked Marie if she and Paul and I could meet to have dinner.  I wanted him to get to know me and begin to trust me, as he really hadn't had that opportunity and I thought it was important if, as we seemed to be doing, we were going to have slightly more contact than we previously had. In short I wanted to have a relationship with you and if I was to have that I needed Paul on my side, so he had to get to know me.

We did meet for dinner, at a hotel half way between Kenilworth and London.  I guess Paul was a little uncomfortable in what was a slightly unusual situation. And I suppose it was slightly unusual, the two men who had both had very deep and long lasting relationships with the only other woman at the table that evening.  But above all he was her husband and I wanted him to know that I respected that and life had moved on.

Well the evening was polite but a little forced, in as much as it wasn't really a meeting of hearts and minds and I suspect that Paul found it a little uncomfortable.  Nevertheless we made conversation for an hour or two and eventually left.  I shook Paul's hand as we said goodbye in the car park and then had this dreadful moment of crisis as I wondered how I should say farewell to Marie.  Do I say just goodbye, shake her warmly by the hand or give her a kiss.  Of course I wanted to give her a kiss, but as I was trying to let Paul know that we had moved on maybe he would see that as threatening.  If I didn't give her a kiss maybe he would think that I was trying to hide something.  Talk about paranoia, and all in a split second.  Well I decided that I should say goodbye to her as I say goodbye to all my female friends with a kiss on the cheek and so that's what I did.

Well, we never repeated the getting to know you thing and in all honesty I'm not sure if any efforts I had made would have changed the situation.  I don't really know Paul at all, except that I know he is a very good person and daddy to you and over the years has been devoted to Marie and supported her through good times and bad.  For that he has my absolute respect and I would want him to know that.

During all of this period, where I was starting to build more of a rapport with you, was the night Marie brought you to London and we all went to the theatre together.  I knew that you would love to see 'The Lion King' and so I asked Marie if we could all go together the next time that she was down in London.  She agreed and so I got three tickets for us to see the show.

I don't know if you remember much about it, because you had had quite a long day and I think that you may have been quite tired through the show.  But the thing that I remember more than anything else was how you made me feel immediately at ease when we met.

I knew that you knew I wasn't just Graham, that man who would ring your house quite often, but that I was your biological father.  From my point of view I wanted to be close to you, but wasn't really certain how to handle it without confusing you.  I didn't know whether I should take your hand or just walk along side you and Marie.  So when we met I had decide that perhaps I should just walk with you and Marie to the theatre and see how the evening develops.

Well you clearly had other ideas and as soon as we met you took my hand straight away and we started to walk to the theatre, you in the middle of Marie and me and all of us holding hands.  I can't tell you how relieved and delighted I was when you just took my hand and we all walked off together as we never had before, or since.  Your naturalness put me immediately at ease and, to be honest, it felt just wonderful.

It remains my abiding memory and one of the happiest days I have had.  I can understand if you can't remember too much about it, but what you quite naturally did,  in taking my hand and just being yourself, meant an awful lot to me.

It is now that memory of your ease with me which gives me hope for the future.  It is my hope that we will meet again and enjoy a relationship which, so far, we have been deprived of.  My experiences with you whenever we have met give me confidence to know that whenever we do meet again it will be very easy to pick up the pieces, just as if we had never parted.