Marie, Hannah and Me

Well Hannah, whilst all of this website is for you, this section is especially for you.

I want to tell you about how your mum and I met, how our relationship developed, the circumstances and events which occurred prior to you being born and then what happened after.

I think it's only fair to say that I am writing this account of events some 14 years after I first met Marie, and I'm very aware that my memory of what happened at the time might be coloured by the passing of time and with the benefit of hindsight.  However I am trying to be objective about the events which happened, both good and bad, and hope that my memory of them is as accurate as possible.

I know that your mum will have told you about this and I believe that our versions will be very similar, but I feel it important that you hear it from me directly because I think it will help you to appreciate that you were conceived out of a very caring and loving relationship which, I believe, has continued despite physical distance and one notable disagreement.

There are many things about my relationship with Marie which, with the benefit of hindsight, I would do differently and now regret.  At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but I guess we go through life continuing to learn about ourselves and the people we are close to at all stages and ages.

I can't turn back the clock and change the course of events which have occurred.  All I can do is live with the situation I find myself in and hope that one day I will at last have the pleasure of knowing you more closely and playing some part in your life.

You will see as you read through this site that there were missed opportunities, unfortunate circumstances and just plain old bad decisions which conspired to create the course of history which led to our separation, and I include Marie as well as yourself when I talk about 'us'.

There's no doubt that I DO regret the way things have turned out to date, and nothing can hurt me as much as when I think of my life without you.  It seems the older I have become the more emotional I get, and nothing is more certain to bring tears to my eyes than when I think of you and my life without you in it.

But I am confident that your life is full and rich in both experience and love.  Knowing this encourages me that one day we will meet, put the pieces of our lives together and enjoy a relationship which any father would want with his daughter.

Before you left for America your mum gave me some photographs of you, which have remained on display in my homes ever since.

They have been a daily reminder to me of your existence (not that it was necessary) but more importantly an acknowledgement to anyone who would see them that I have a daughter of whom I am extremely proud and who I love deeply.