It had been quite a number of weeks since Marie and I had spoken on the phone and some months since we'd last seen each other.  Out of the blue, in the late morning of Saturday 23rd December 2000, two days before Christmas, I got a phone call from Marie.

It wasn't a long conversation, but the essence of it was that Marie wanted to know if she could come to see me.  Of course I agreed that she could and, as always, I would be only too happy to see her.  I didn't know why she wanted to come but assumed that she just wanted some time with someone she could talk to.

I was delighted as always that I was going to see her and looked forward to her arriving.  It only usually took about an hour and a half so it wouldn't be long.  Marie had never been to my flat in London, so I drove a short distance to meet her and guide her back to my home.

What transpired over the next 24 hours changed so much of my life, for worse, and I have relived that day in my mind many times, trying to rationalise as to whether the course of actions I took were the right actions and what might be different now had I acted differently.

I had my first indication that this meeting might not be the usual catch-up kind of get together which friends have when she took a moderate sized bag out of her car.

Once inside the flat she explained to me that she had had enough of everything at home and had walked out.  To say I was shocked is a complete understatement.  I was absolutely astounded.  Something very serious had clearly happened.

My recollection of what had happened, without knowing too much about the specific detail, was that a number of small things had built up in Marie's mind, to the point where it had all got too much and something had apparently happened between Matthew, Josh and yourself which pushed her over the edge.

Now clearly it wasn't that one incident which had caused her to leave home, but it was just the final event in a series of events, that convinced her she needed a break from all the pressures which running a busy family home creates.

I was completely unprepared for this, but realised that what was required above all else at this time was compassion and understanding but interlaced with a little impartial (if I was able to give that) advice from someone who was removed from the immediate emotions of what had occurred.

We talked and talked for some time and then we didn't, as what seemed to be required was some kind of sanctuary from whatever was troubling her mind.

There were a few things which were troubling my mind.  Marie was adamant that she hadn't just left Paul, but she had also left you, Josh and Matthew.  This disturbed me greatly.  I can understand a wife leaving a husband, but a mother leaving her children was something entirely different.

We spoke at length and at times the discussion upset me so much that I cried openly with her.  I think that what was upsetting me was not only the insistence that she had left you all, but that the balance of her mind seemed to be affected and I was sure I was witnessing some kind of breakdown by someone who I cared for greatly.  It seemed that no amount of discussing, remonstrating, explaining or pleading would persuade her away from this notion that she had left and that, in time, you will all learn to cope without her and in the end it will be the better for all of you.  She'd had enough.

So we spent the afternoon and early evening going from discussing everything to discussing nothing.  I was trying my best to work out the right course of action to take.  I still think that I came close to selecting the right one, but given the same situation again there would be things which I would do differently.  However on that day I didn't have the benefit of either hindsight or a degree in psychology, so I did what I thought was right in the circumstances.

Throughout the afternoon I had established that Paul didn't know where Marie was and I tried my best to get her to call him, if not to tell him where she was then at least to let him know that she was safe.  She wasn't having, it despite numerous pleadings for her to just make a short call at the very least.  There was something else disturbing me though which I was even more concerned about.

What was very apparent was that when she had left home you were all there and clearly in some heightened state of distress, crying.  The last thing which happened to cause Marie to leave was, apparently, a disagreement between you and one or both of your brothers over something trivial.  I have it in my mind that it was something to do with not sharing something with them.  You know the kind of thing that very young brothers and sisters do from time to time which ends in a silly squabble.  I remember Marie telling me that she had brought you up to behave better than that and she felt let down at the way you were all behaving.  But as you were the oldest she felt that you should have known and behaved better.

On any other day it would probably have generated no more than a gentle reprimand and you would all have got on playing together as usual, but on this day it just seemed to be the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Now the thing which disturbed me the most about all of this was that in your 9 year old mind, you would be the one who had caused your mummy to leave home.  I'm no psychologist, but I knew enough to know that if you thought it was all your fault, it would stay with you and haunt you for a very long time indeed.

I thought this because of an experience I had when I was probably seven or eight.  I grew up in a very happy family environment with hardly any major disagreements.  My father was devoted to us all and worked hard throughout his life to please and provide for us all.  Mum is a very loving but strong woman and she made sure that my sister and I understood right from wrong.  Like Marie, she instilled a strong sense of manners in my sister and me and expected us to behave 'properly'.  I've never asked Mum directly about this but there was one day, when I was about seven or eight, that I remember standing at the door of our house with my father, watching her walking down the drive away from us.  I don't remember any argument which preceded this event, but I remember being upset and asking my father where she was going.  He said she was just going shopping, but to this day I have it in my mind that there had been an argument and mum had stormed out of the house.  The fact that I'm recalling this story to you at the age of almost 47 is testimony to the impact which this event had on me.

The parallel's between that childhood memory and what had happened with you and Marie really did disturb me.  I could just imagine that you would be blaming yourself for what had happened and that this could be one of those things which could have a long standing and detrimental effect on you.  You were such a lovely and intelligent girl that I was sure you would take the impact of such a thing very badly.  I just couldn't imagine the possible bad repercussions which might occur as a result of you blaming yourself for all of this, especially as you were the person who was apparently at the centre of this final argument.

Well I wasn't happy about what I had heard and what I was hearing.  Marie was convinced that she had left for good and I was equally convinced that she wasn't thinking rationally and was on the brink of some kind of breakdown, whatever that was and whatever it looked like.  I knew for certain that the loving person and mother I knew Marie to be was not in that room with me at that time.

I could only imagine the kind of trauma that you and Paul were going through and I genuinely felt a very strong sense of concern for you both.  I decided that if Marie wasn't going to call Paul then I would.  I left Marie in the flat, went and sat in my car and called your house.

Paul answered the phone with what sounded like a cheery 'hello', no doubt hoping that it would be Marie but when he heard a man's voice say to him 'Paul?' I suspect he knew immediately that it was me, even though he wouldn't have known the sound of my voice very well.

I immediately said to him that Marie had turned up at my flat earlier that day and I was very concerned for her.  I said I wanted him to know that not only was she safe, but that there had been no collusion between Marie and I prior to her turning up.  I wanted Paul to know that I was doing whatever I could to try to get her to return to her family and that I hoped he could trust me to do that.

I did get a bit weepy during that conversation with Paul, and he said that you'd all been crying as well at home.  It should have been obvious to anybody that everyone had only Marie's welfare at heart and wanted her back with her family.

I think Paul imagined that Marie would come home that evening, but at that point she had put more than a little red wine away and really hadn't arrived at a point yet where she wanted to go back.  I told Paul that it would probably be best if she stayed that night but that he shouldn't worry about anything.  What I really meant was that she could stay at my home, but there would be no intimacy between us and he needed to be comfortable with that.

I gave him my address, so that he knew where I lived and we agreed that we should meet the following lunchtime at a shopping centre close to my home.  I figured that by then we would have put things right enough for her to meet you, Josh, Matthew and Paul and hopefully things would start to turn around.

So that was the plan.  I returned to the flat, Marie was suspicious as to where I'd been and what I'd been doing, but I denied everything even though she was absolutely correct in her suspicions.

With the benefit of hindsight this final detail is the one which I would change.  I don't regret calling Paul and letting him know where Marie was, but I do regret suggesting that he should come and meet her with you all.  I'm not sure that things would have been completely different if you all hadn't come to meet her in London, but it might have been.

That Saturday evening Marie and I continued to talk and eventually went to bed.  She slept in my bed and I slept on the sofa.

The next morning required an amount of stage management on my part.  I think I'd told Paul to meet me in Whiteleys shopping centre in Bayswater at about 12 or 1 O' clock.  So after I got up in the morning I took Marie for a walk around the shopping centre. 

We were in GAP kids and she had bought a whole lot of clothes for you all.  We were standing at the counter waiting to pay when Marie actually said to me that she was ready to go back now.  It was uncanny really because shortly after that Paul called me to let me know that you had all arrived.  I told him where we were and couldn't believe my luck that she had decided that she should return to her family just at the point when you had all arrived. 

Well you all rushed up and greeted her and I took you, Josh and Matthew away for a few minutes whilst Marie and Paul talked.

After a short while you all went off together and we agreed to meet an hour or so later in order that Marie could collect her car from my flat.

For a while, I thought I'd done quite a good job.

It must only have been an hour or so later when you all came back to my flat and it was a very quick visit.  You came up into my flat with Marie to collect her things and, without pointing them out to you in an obvious way, I wanted you to see the photographs of you which I had and still have on display.  But it really was just a quick in and out visit for Marie to collect her things.

I could tell that Marie was a little reserved in her manner with me and she clearly wasn't as happy as I thought she might have been about the way things had developed.

We went down stairs and, probably because Marie was a little put out, she was hustling you all into her car.  You were sat on the pavement side of the car, in the front seat and the window was a little steamed up with condensation.  I started to write something on the condensation, but Marie snapped at me for doing it, so I wiped it with my hand so I could see you.

Through the window I said to you 'I love you' and you replied 'I love you too'.

Marie drove off and that was the last time I saw you.