OK, this next bit is kind of good and kind of difficult.  It fills me with happiness but at the same time causes me a little discomfort.

After searching the internet for you ever since you left for America, I finally found what I'd been looking for at the end of November (2005).  Funnily enough it was as I had always expected it to be, in as much as I found a reference to you on your ice hockey club site.

It was a moment of great relief for me.  Not only did it tell me that you were making a name for yourself in a sport, but it also told me that you had returned to the UK.

There were even a couple of photos on the site, which I was sure were you, but with all the hockey uniform, padding and helmet I couldn't be certain.  The last photos I had of you were taken when you were eight or nine and there's a whole lot of difference between those and these ones of you as a 14 year old.  Nevertheless I was pretty sure they were you.

However within 2 days of finding this reference to you, I found another one.  You have to understand that having made searches for you pretty regularly over the last few years, I was relatively familiar with all the usual responses which come back from Google and all the rest.  This time there were a couple of references which I hadn't seen before.

When I followed the links, it turns out that they point to your Blog site.

I'm not sure you realise just exactly how open this site is, but it's picked up by the search engines and registers in their results when a search for your name is done.  I must admit to being a little uncomfortable about this bit.  I feel a bit like I'm reading a diary which isn't intended for me, but it's hardly a personal document when it's placed on the internet (a bit like this web site I guess).  The very good thing about finding it, is that I have finally gained some insight into the beautiful, intellegent, caring, loving and clearly sporty young lady which you have become over these last few years.

From the last time I knew you at 9, to this time when you are 14 is a hugely influential time of life (not to say occassionally very difficult and frustrating as a 14 year old).  Reading through your blog has given me the comfort which I've wanted for so long.  I can tell that you are doing well and developing into just a lovely person, with friends who love you as much as you love them, with depth of thought and feeling, with a positive attitude towards your studies and a committment to your sports.

I must admit that knowing you are in the UK and when you may be playing a hockey game really has tested my resolve not to contact you.  My initial reaction was that I could just be an anonymous spectator in the crowd and watch you play.  But I've decided that the consequences of meeting you or your mum on anything other than your terms would not be good, right or proper.

It will always be under your terms that we will meet and whenever and wherever you want that to be, I will be ready.  But just because I now have the opportunity to create a situation where we may meet doesn't mean that I should.  It seems to me that you're doing just fine and I'm absolutely delighted that things seem to be working out so well for you.

I hope this next bit never comes to be true, but should I not be around by the time you find me, I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that I have found you.  I have come to know something of you, from your writing, as a person with love, affection, intelligence, humour and perhaps a little attitude (nothing wrong with that at 14) and I absolutley love what I have found.

So it's a bit of a double edged sword.  I'm absolutely delighted that I've found you and if I occassionally read your blog, it's only to maintain the only connection I can with the daughter I've never really been able to know.  I do feel a little uncomfortable about it, but I hope you understand.

You're a beautiful person.  I'm extremely proud of you and I love you now as I've loved you always.